Stop Saying “I’m Sorry, But…” — The Apology Mistake That Blocks Connection
- Oct 13
- 3 min read
"I’m sorry, but…”
It’s one of the most common phrases we use when trying to make things right. It sounds gentle — even reasonable — yet that single word, “but,” can quietly erase accountability and undo the repair you’re hoping to create.
How “But” Changes the Message
When you add “but” to an apology, it shifts attention away from your partner’s feelings and back onto your own intentions.
“I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean to.”
“I’m sorry, but you were upset for no reason.”
That word cancels everything that came before it. Instead of feeling understood, your partner hears a defense — a justification.
What could have been a bridge becomes another wall. The ‘but’ turns an apology into an argument.
Why It’s So Hard to Leave Out
Apologizing can feel vulnerable. When someone we love is hurt, our nervous system senses threat: I did something wrong; I might lose connection.
Defensiveness is the body’s way of protecting against shame. You’re not trying to dismiss the other person — you’re trying to protect yourself from discomfort. Recognizing that instinct is the first step toward changing it.
“Defensiveness isn’t lack of care — it’s fear of being seen as the cause of pain.”
When you can tolerate that discomfort, empathy has room to grow.
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What Accountability Really Sounds Like
Accountability means focusing on the impact of your actions, not your intentions. It’s not about taking all the blame; it’s about owning your part with honesty and care.
Here’s how the shift sounds in practice:
❌ With “But” | ✅ Without “But” |
“I’m sorry, but I was just stressed.” | “I was stressed, and I took it out on you. That wasn’t fair.” |
“I’m sorry, but you overreacted.” | “I can see that what I said hurt you. That wasn’t my intention.” |
“I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean it like that.” | “I didn’t mean it that way, and I understand how it came across.” |
The goal isn’t perfection — it’s presence. Your partner doesn’t need a flawless apology; they need to feel that you understand their experience.
“Repair begins with honesty, not perfection.”
How Empathy Creates Repair
When your partner feels heard, their nervous system relaxes. The body interprets empathy as safety, and real communication can begin again.
A good apology says, “I see you, I understand that you were hurt, and I care enough to do better.”
Try this next time:
“I’m sorry for making you feel hurt. That wasn’t my intention.” “I understand how that affected you, and I want to make things right.”
These statements validate emotion while still leaving room for learning and growth.
Practicing Repair in Everyday Life
Repair isn’t a one-time skill — it’s a habit. Each small moment of accountability builds trust over time.
Start with these gentle steps:
Pause first. Take a breath before responding. It helps regulate your tone and emotions.
Listen fully. Let your partner finish before you explain.
Validate, then clarify. Understanding comes before explanation.
Follow through. Show consistency through changed behavior — that’s what rebuilds safety.
“A sincere apology says less about blame and more about your commitment to connection.”
Apologies as Emotional Maintenance
Every relationship — romantic, familial, or professional — will include moments of hurt. That’s not failure; it’s part of being human.
Healthy couples and individuals don’t avoid conflict — they repair effectively. Each time you take responsibility with care, you reinforce a foundation of safety and trust. Apologies become less about guilt and more about growth.
A Gentle Reminder
You won’t get it right every time — and that’s okay.
What matters is showing up with openness, curiosity, and a willingness to learn.
Next time you catch yourself saying, “I’m sorry, but…” — pause. Replace it with empathy. Real repair doesn’t begin with explanation — it begins with understanding.
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If You’re Learning to Communicate and Reconnect
Therapy can help you build tools for empathy, emotional regulation, and repair — whether you’re navigating conflict with a partner or learning new ways to express yourself.
🌿 Learn more about therapy for adults and couples at Power Your Thoughts Counselling & Psychotherapy.
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